Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Self-Directed Anger

I wanted to put a bullet into my brain today.

Years of struggling with mathematics and yet I see no improvement. The ghosts of my past experiences with this devilish subject has come back to haunt me once again and this time, somehow it feels like the are here to stay. Private tutoring just for PMR, two Additional Mathematics tuitions. What next? Be gone, creatures of darkness!

Sympathy? No, I don't need any of it. Have you actually experienced so many failures before that you can count your meagre passes with fingers of a hand and still have fingers to spare?

"Try again next time."
"Work harder next time."

Next time? That's what they told me two and a half years ago, but nothing's changed. I've pored over this subject and loss hair over it; which amounted to nothing.

And yes, despite being the first class RB still has B3 and B4 Additional Math students. So, don't be so quick to jump to a conclusion, madame. I'm a B3 student - help me, don't pull me down morally. Class monitors aren't a class above other students in academics. We're just students. And not necessarily the brightest students. Don't just pick on me.

I am angry at myself, most of all.


Debate training took my mind off most things and also my 1.9km-in-10:16min jog in under the threatening sky. As I did my warm downs, I looked up to the skies as if for solutions and a mist-thin drizzle fell. Despite that, I couldn't help but squat down on the pavement and watch the drops hit and merge with the puddles on the ground.

- It's not cheaper, dude.. especially for me.
- What do you have in mind?

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