Sunday, August 10, 2008

Do You Really Wanna?

I spent about an hour in Shao Wen's place today after extra class. He said something that made me think that that time spent at his place wasn't a waste of time.

shao: laughs. That's so evil. I never expected that from you.
yiwen: What.. nothing what.
shao: But that's a way to get revenge is it?
yiwen: No la. I mean.. It's okay on the outside, but on the inside, it's different. I can't let go.
shao: That means you're not forgiving.
yiwen: Yeah.. Shucks. That means God won't forgive me too.
shao: Haha. Yep. So what are you gonna do about it?
yiwen: I don't know la. We all learn about dropping relationships that are not beneficial to us right?
shao: Okay. For example, in MSN. Dropping relationships means "deleting" and "blocking".
yiwen: Umm. But now, all I'm thinking about is "blocking" only right?
shao: Yeah. You're not forgiving.. "deleting". So, let go. Delete.

That's probably the right thing to do. But do I really want to? Of course. I can do that but with difficulty though. But does the other side want to? That's uno numero question.

"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves." -Confucius

Growing older and hopefully more matured has made me change in several ways. I have come to see many things around me. First of all, can the church be a barrier in you walk with God? Surely church brings good stuff - fellowship with Christians, hearing God's Word etc. But currently, I'm not at the peak of my relationship with God and at times, I don't think that church helps. Is the MYF going in the right direction?

I'm not here to condemn or whatsoever. I feel that I'm attending church just because I have to, because of routine, because I'm in the band, because I'm Christian. Sometimes I feel that worship time is just a showcase of talent and I'm not excluded from that list as drummer. Even while playing I feel like I'm a crowd-pleaser providing good music for people to sing. Honestly at times, I cannot see the direction in which the message is going and the relevance of it. There is no spiritually uplifting message, no spiritual food to feed my soul. There was once where I actually thought of leaving church to another to revive my desert spiritual life, but, there's always this fear of uncertainty, the thought of people asking me "why aren't you coming to church anymore?" and also my commitment and responsibility in the band. So much for a CF leader. I need revival.

Secondly, relationships. I guess I've toned down except for when I meet with Jess in MYF. People whom I was once so close to are drifting away like a kite when its string is cut and I'm the one chasing the kite to no avail. Now, I'm slowing down and coming to a halt, making no effort to keep on pursuing that kite, because it all boils down to nothing. Clapping with one hand makes no sound.

"He stands to benefit who makes friends with three kinds of people. Equally he stands to lose who makes friends with three other kinds of people. To make friends with the straight, the trustworthy in word and the well-informed is to benefit. To make friends with the ingratiating (flattering in order to gain favour) in action, the pleasant in appearance and the plausible in speech is to lose." -Confucius

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